I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
