her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
