Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
