Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
