I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
