I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
