I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
