so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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