my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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