omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Randomize
