so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
