I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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