I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Floor bacon is actually really good
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
