CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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