Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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