She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
two words...techno handjob
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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