I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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