i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
