my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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