Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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