The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
