I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
