youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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