I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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