he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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