Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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