Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
