I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i think i just lost a toe
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
