if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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