I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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