My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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