considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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