I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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