I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I CAN MOONWALK!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
