You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
