This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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