If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize