Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
