do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
BRING THE BAGELS
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
