i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize