I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
