im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
