There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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