I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
