Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
