also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
