So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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