i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
