so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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