So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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