Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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