Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
