i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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