I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
