Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
