I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
