left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
