mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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