Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
