a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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