he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
