She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
