sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
