I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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